Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
“you changed” bro i was 15
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer