Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15