PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.