PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.