Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

When someone says you are so lazy

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing