Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?