Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.