@TheToddWilliams

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

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@Cycloptomese

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

@DrCephalopod

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

@blatchfordnews

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

@psybermonkey

Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is

@lasergirl70

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

@McJesse

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

@xLiserx

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

@Ideal_Victoria

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

@foursquids

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now