@Cycloptomese My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
@TheToddWilliams [principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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@Cycloptomese 
@DrCephalopod INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
@blatchfordnews What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
@Fred_Delicious Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
@psybermonkey Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her
Husband: what??
Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital
Husband: oh
Dr: that’s where the morgue is
@lasergirl70 “Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
@McJesse Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
@xLiserx Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
@Ideal_Victoria *experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
@foursquids Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now