[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”