Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
You Might Also Like
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Lmao
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”