@AshleyFrankly

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

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@_ElizabethMay

*peels sticker off webcam*
Me: i know my searches seem suspicious, but they’re not.
FBI agent in the webcam: you’re looking up the best way to dismember and dispose of a body.
Me: I’m a writer.
FBI agent: *quiet for several minutes* The answer is pigs.
Me: *replaces sticker*

@KKAlThani

An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.

@BigHeb7

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

@pilau

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

@iamspacegirl

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

@DaddyJew

Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no

@BoogTweets

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

@JPLFR80

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

@BoogTweets

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though