Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

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*peels sticker off webcam*
Me: i know my searches seem suspicious, but they’re not.
FBI agent in the webcam: you’re looking up the best way to dismember and dispose of a body.
Me: I’m a writer.
FBI agent: *quiet for several minutes* The answer is pigs.
Me: *replaces sticker*


An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.


I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.


I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.


There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.


Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish


Me: I mean, no


[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked


Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list


Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though