Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The only good comments section online is on recipes