(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Nice try Hitler
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER