Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
At least he brought enough for everyone
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Breaking news:
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️