PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
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*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me