PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

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“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.


I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.


Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.


911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click


Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.


Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no


Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone


What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.


they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup