@mdob11
“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.
@Tommytoughstuff
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
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@mdob11
@ginnyhogan_
I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.
@TheMichaelRock
Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.
@mack44_d
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
@IamEveryDayPpl
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
@girlontapas
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
@3sunzzz
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
@brendohare
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
@HeyZeus666
What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.
@snmrrw
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup