@Tommytoughstuff

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

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@mdob11

“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.

@ginnyhogan_

I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.

@TheMichaelRock

Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.

@mack44_d

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

@girlontapas

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@3sunzzz

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

@brendohare

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

@HeyZeus666

What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.

@snmrrw

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup