PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.