[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times