[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
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Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.