@gojarbe

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

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@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

@meganamram

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

@MNateShyamalan

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

@sofarrsogud

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

@vikkaroni

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@Duke1173

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

@SnarkyMommy78

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.