[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it