[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.