The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.