Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
All excellent questions
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.