[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
This is the best one I’ve seen
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.