@KeetPotato

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

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@junejuly12

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

@Chay_Raghu

I met my wife on Tinder

* After 8 months of our marriage*

@AmberTozer

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

@Adar79Angie

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

@johnmoe

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

@Shock_Monster

NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?

I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.

@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

@Darlainky

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

@Contwixt

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.