prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.


I met my wife on Tinder

* After 8 months of our marriage*


[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday


If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad


The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.


NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?

I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.


sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should


[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.


It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.