I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Just why bro?!
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday