Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

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HER: I’m leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber


[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!


If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.


I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.


“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!



…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”


My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?


Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.


Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.


I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?