Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
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“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him