HER: I’m leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside
[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?