Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*


A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.


Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.


Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*


there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.


You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner



me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please


“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.


When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.


my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions