@GABBYdaAngSaya
@Browtweaten Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
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@Browtweaten 
@13spencer A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
@WilliamAder Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
@StinkyGr33n Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
@danadonly there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
@OfficeofSteve You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
@girlnarly [mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
@Marcmywords2 “You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
@DrakeGatsby When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
@lisaxy424 my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions