Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions