Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
You Might Also Like
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.