[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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How all things should be taught/explained.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Morning.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”