ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

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[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.


“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos


What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.


Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.


Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no


Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.



GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*