Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Hulu: still there?
Phone: ring ring
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*