[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.