@RandomAntics

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

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@dannyboy7813

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

@Social_Mime

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

@russhigher

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

@SteussieErica

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

@Tups13

There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

@1Happytwit

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@buck4itt

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

@Mom_Overboard

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.