Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.