[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*praying for world peace*
God:
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?