Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.