Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
This hospital has everything
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious