Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000
gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES