Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Carpe DM
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
this could fix me
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.