god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!