“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
You Might Also Like
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh