PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh

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