PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
You Might Also Like
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started