Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Did my cat write this
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.