Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle