Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw



MIDWIFE: The baby’s


ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?


a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!


One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt


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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?


Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.


When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said “I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these” So now I poop into socks


Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying


People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.