@Rebecca8672

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

You Might Also Like

@mrjohndarby

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

@ArfMeasures

WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP

MIDWIFE: The baby’s

WIFE: NO, THE NOISE

ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?

@egg_dog

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

@dulcetry

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

@JasonNotEvil

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

@Jenny4ashley

Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.

@dukelongboard

When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said “I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these” So now I poop into socks

@lazerdoov

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

@osigat

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.