Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
So, can we agree on 4 or