Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

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My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.


Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal


Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.


People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.


Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*


The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.


A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating


Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few


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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.