Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
my mind
You just read my mind
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Meow
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box