Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.