Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Yes, but it was never about money
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Doggies just call it style.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.