Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Time for evil
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!