I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora