Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*


“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes


wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t


I told a boy I loved him once. We were 6. He punched my arm & stole my cake. Life lesson. Never lose sight of what’s important. #Cake.


Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.


You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.


You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…


Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch


My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”


I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.



Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*