@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

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@cmd8495

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

@curlycomedy

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mummy.

Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?

God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.

Mummy: what does that mean?

God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.

Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.

@Real_Countress

Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street

@JPLFR80

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

@IvoryGazelle

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

@markleggett

Buy a “World’s Greatest Boss” mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.

@punmagnate

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit