Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
#Caturday
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
waiting for halloween be like:
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*