Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.