@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

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@Wakenbake77

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@JLazySAngus

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@SortaBad

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

@DothTheDoth

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

@FU_TangClan

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@LostCatDog

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease