Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
LMFAO THE NAVY OUT THEIR DAMN MINDS
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
therapist: what do you see
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease