Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

You Might Also Like


Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes


*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.


Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!


god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary


Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.


therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book


The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.


My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease