I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
You Might Also Like
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My birthstone is kidney
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Merica.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping