Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???