@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

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@totallymel

my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal

@WhtUReallyMean

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

@jazmasta

When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.

@GrantTanaka

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

@peachesanscream

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

@SCbchbum

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.