Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.