Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

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my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal


I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.


When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.


son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka


Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”


I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.


I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.


Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.