Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
his wife is probably gonna see that
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.